Where’s The Breaks on The Bi Polar Express vol 12

I have decided that

I will no longer define myself

By those labels

Which you have chosen for me.

I will be what I choose…

I choose to be happy –

I choose to be healthy –

I choose to be free –

To be free, to be the me

That I have allowed you

To deny.

I will now choose me.

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Buried Alive

I forget the exact steps that bore away the pain –

but I remember that I climbed up from a shallow grave…

For there my heart had buried what it could no more contain,

For there my heart had hidden deep the things I feared to name…

I closed my eyes and so I died to feeling it again…

 

But I with trembling, grasping hands broke free of grave and ground,

To find that I was lost enough to see what I had found –

That I had slept – but not in death – for I could hear the sound,

Of the heartbeat in my breast that these tears couldn’t drown –

Of the tattered remnants of a hope I had laid down…

 

I do not say that I am whole for that would be a lie,

But I have resurrected what I thought forever died –

For my own hands had carved the grave I carried deep inside…

And in it I lay down those things from which I sought to hide…

But it did not just take away the pain – it took my life –

 

The choice to now live again, is mine to decide.

Withhold Thyself… or Where Are The Breaks on the Bi Polar Express Vol. 11

My mind inhales it’s alternative rhythms

To an irregular tick, tick, tocking tempo –

With redefined and refocused intensities

Of all I believe to be true – and so do.

 

What is conceived in non-linear thought

Are expressions of a particular peculiarity,

Misinterpreted and deemed dysfunctional –

Remedied simply with evidence in contradiction.

 

I am more than my malfunction –

Merely a temporary anomaly of perceptions –

And the assimilation of unexpected conceptuals –

Unfamiliar to you, but true, none the less.

 

Unstitch your misconceptions of this reality –

Transcending your understanding with new data.

I do not claim the font of enlightenment –

And I am no more the defect that you perceive.

I remember the lightening

I ride the lightening once again –

Familiar as the stroke

Of an on again/off again lover.

My heart engorged

To be caressed just, so –

Electricity squeezing

Through too-small veins.

I remember that I am wild…

 

My secret places are exposed,

Baring the face that sleeps

Beneath the thinnest of veneers –

A mirror reflecting opposites.

Now woke by wildfire

Screaming through my flesh,

My breath comes in

Sharp-hot-gasps.

I remember that I am powerful…

 

Satisfaction is only an illusion.

My mind boils and

Evaporates into the breeze

Like unfaithful platitudes.

My heart shall not implode,

Nor my body tremble,

For I have harnessed

This – my lightening.

I remember that I am free.

Finally

I rage with what I keep inside

Rage at what I must deny

Seething just below the line

Screaming out to give it life!

Suffocating with the need

Of desperation just to feel

For my own world will not believe

Unless I strip my sleeves and bleed…

Not much more can I forego

Not much more till I let go

The beast is baying for my blood

And I have more than had enough…

So I with bleeding fingers cling

Upon the edge of everything

I will not let go willingly

But even falling – I’ll be free.

Finally.

 

Words In My Head

I’ll take this edge upon my flesh, and press against the pain –

And I shall spill the wine, reminding me to breathe again…

My body bears the marks of every time I could not cry,

In faded knotted lines are all the words that I deny.

But deeper than the scars that mar these arms with memories –

Deeper than my blood and bones, in depths you cannot see,

My heart is like a wizened rose but every thorn I feel –

And I am terrified that only this, my cage, is real.

I and beast are intertwined

If I should let the beast roam free upon the open roads

Unleashed and unaccountable and hungrily to roam

No thought no hesitations to walk deep into the black

For I am more at home where darkness hides what my light lacks

For I am my own beast inside – there is no turning back…

 

No turning back from that dark half that lurks beneath my face

Emotionless as my lips smile – the mask set firm in place

I no longer care if you believe I have a choice

For in my eyes I have to hide a raging inner voice

For in my eyes I will despise the words I must avoid…

 

The words I must avoid are screaming out to let them go

But not with a release that sets me free from what I know

Blades with edges keen and thirsting for a vein to slice

But it is my own throat exposed and I shall pay the price

But it is my own heart that shows – I am the one who dies…

 

I am the one who dies as I am smothered by the lies

Wearied more than I can bear but these eyes never cry

So I will loose the leash and let the beast inside go free

For I will no more wear the label of an enemy

For I will no more bear this shame for I am free indeed…

 

For I am free indeed to roam the open roads I will

I and beast are intertwined but I am strongest still

I confess I am unsure but I am not afraid

Now the time has come for me to leave the bed I made

Now the time has come for me to soar free of a cage.

 

 

What is this mind of mine

My mind can not walk straight

 

It likes to take its time

It refuses to co-operate

 

It thinks that it can fly.

 

My mind will see a flower

 

In a cloud amongst the blue

 

It believes that it is powerful

 

Each dreaming thought be true.

 

My mind is like an overture

 

It breathes a soulful tune

 

But it will not make sense I’m sure

 

It tries to sing the moon.

 

My mind is strong as diamond

 

Yet flawed within its heart

 

I cannot contain the fire’s burn

 

I cannot take off this mask.

 

My mind is a place where my sanity goes

 

Further up deeper into the maze

 

If only I could comprehend where it blows

 

If only I could pierce the haze.

 

And so my mind wanders beyond what is yonder

With no thought to my fragile state

I cannot escape from this unstable landscape

I fear I am damned to this fate.

 

Body Deep Within The Borderline

i am body deep within the borderline… and my mind follows deeper still… until my very soul knows what the borderline is made of… and i tread it as best i know how

101 Lyned Epiphenies and Confussions #19

i ride a sea of lightening example that flows through the fingers of writers and thinkers and speakers like wine from the hour glass as it spews forth its dust devil haze upon those of us who cannot undo its terrible passions but instead must soar the breeze above it like gentle love in the sunshine being bourne aloft a higher emotion that flows like water from the spring of life and so the garden blooms with promise and delight smiling fondly remembering ephiphanies and conclusions that were hard won and now are in bloom once more anew again forever

– personal revelation… *read very manic*