My mind breathes its rhythms
To an irregular tick tick tocking tempo
That redefines and refocuses
All I believe to be true and so do
What is conceived in non linear thought
Expresses itself in peculiar action and conversation
That is misinterpreted and judged dysfunctional
Despite clear evidence to the contrary
I am more than my malfunction
Which is but a temporary anomaly of perceptions
Rectified simply with the assimilation of concepts
Unfamiliar to you but true none the less
Unstitch your misconceptions
And let your thoughts be transformed by new data
I am not the source of enlightenment
But neither am I a source of the insanity you perceive
I grow weary of your rigid controls
I tire of your perceived need to hold
I resent you opinion that I am still too sick
But in all honesty I just don’t give a shit
But I’ll play your game for as long as I must
I’ll dance and I’ll sing on command so you trust
And believe when I say I can play like a pro
So well, so convincingly you won’t even know
For as long as I must I shall be your dead puppet
With you hand up my arse like a fake fucking muppet
Oh no don’t you worry I’ll act out your show
With poise and with presence I’ll dazzle like bright snow
But there will come a time when you must set me free
And that time is the moment chosen by me
I’ll play your fucked games and I’ll do what you say
Remember though that when its done I’ll have done it my way
I will bide my time and i will watch and I’ll wait
I’ll look for those moments that you make a mistake
And when you’re back’s turned I shall do as I please
Making melody of fantasy I distract to appease
So for the time being I shall dance this ballet
As I weave I shall dream of that soon coming day
That no more shall you have so much power over me
For you see I am not so lost as you believe me to be
For two whole years I felt like one dead
Without an evocative pulse in my head
It felt like all colour was leached from my world
It seemed like my blossom was permanently furled
But now I am alive again
Only to waken to this soul fucking pain
That you do not seem to know just who I am
And it saddens me greatly that maybe… You never can.
I must confess that I detest liars
For the fires their lips alight and inspire
Yet secretly I lie with ease and with eloquence
When I have the need I can summon a pestilence
No I do not take pride in this vilest of actions
And I am so ashamed of the choices I’ve taken
I’m the worst sort of liar, the one that you trust
As I weave my slick words and make gold sparks of dust
Here I confess that I am a deceiver
Even as I profess that I am a believer
And daily I struggle to reconcile the two
But deep down inside I know I may never do
For I am a liar…
With honey soaked tones I lead you astray
With intent to deceive I weave truth my own way
So never forget I’m an artist with words
And by story telling half truths in my lies you immerse
So I manipulate the truth as I feel fit
And in the moment I create it I don’t care one bit
As long as the blame does not fall on me
As long as my deceptions work successfully
I am a liar of the worst sort of kind
I am the liar that gives sight to the blind
I am the liar who lies like its true
How would you know that I am not lying now to you?
If I could but have my hearts desire
If only I could blaze with fire
That did not consume, nor use nor abuse
But a fire that fuelled and renewed and infused
If I could burn as bright as sunlight
If only I did not desire the night
That I did not always need to feed
To devour such prey so that I could feel
If I am marked by some dark art
Then I must confess that unto it I hark
I know all too often my soul glows black
And all that I am is then focused through that
No I am not willing as my lips take to killing
As I begin slipping and to the darkness committing
Even as I consume and then spew out disease
And all the while smiling for its comes with such ease
But it is the Beast the dwells in my heart
The Beast whose desires I cannot depart
The Beast who must feed at all costs and expense
The Beast who rents apart all common sense
I see it, I feel it, I know it, I do
I loathe it, I despise it, I worship it too
Where do I end and my monster begin?
How can I tell when the Beast lurks within?
Tell me, please, how can I tell?
As the Beast whispers softly ‘I know you too well’
It tells me I need it, that I do love to feed it
It laughs at me when I say I will not heed it
‘You are mine for all time’ it promises as I weep
But I solemnly declare that I am not weak
No, nor my soul can this false Beast keep
For no more shall I listen as its treachery speaks
So let the Beast whisper it’s tricks and its lies
For my eyes have seen beneath its disguise
No more shall it take what is me and what is mine
For now I have realised that this is my time
And so sweet foul Beast you cannot have sway
I bind you, I banish you, I cast you out and away
My flesh and my soul are no place for you to stay
At times I have gloried and revelled in your games
But now is the hour of my power as yours begins to wane
For with a clear mind I now see you are weak
I see now that it is my meat that you eat
But now I deny you every sliver of my soul
For I have come to see that without you I am whole
That maybe I am the stronger one here
That maybe I do have nothing to fear
That maybe the power you used was really mine
That maybe you are the weak thing in the darkness dying
And so I declare that I am free of you at last
And the spell you did cast on me I have surpassed
For with my will I will know now what is best for me
And what I chose with my will is to be free
Therefore I declare that I am FREE INDEED
Let these be our choices in the lonesome tolls of the night watches.
Let the belief in the possibility of a better tomorrow see us meet the dawn light armed with resolution and perseverance, and the knowledge that for as long as you chose to, you can be free to think for yourself.
In that freedom, find yourself. The self that exists as the sum of your individual parts; personalities; preferences; expectations; reactions; desires; hopes; dreams; etc; all of which comprises the being that is you yourself.
And in finding your complete self hear the sweet whispers of your soul as it sings its melody.
Listen intently and what you will hear will help you see and convince you to believe.
I am a zombie without a heartbeat
I need to feed upon live human meat
I cannot control it, no nor can I stop
Even if i wanted to I simply cannot
You cannot believe how it feels to be dead
To know your heart’s silent, that your lungs have no breath
I try to describe how I wish I could die
Because nothing can touch me right deep down inside
I know that I have an imitation of life
I can laugh and I joke whilst inside my soul cries
No do not engage me in conversation please don’t
I have no words to give you, I try but they won’t
I know you see truely how deeply I’ve sunk
If only you could make me feel and lift me from this funk
But I believe that one day soon my star will rise again
And in that day you shall hear me say that I have lost my pain
I was a zombie but my heart now beats
And so flows the blood through my veins and my meat
I may be a zombie but I’m still alive
I may be a zombie but I’ll fight to survive
If this has been my test then I believe I have passed
No more do i crave the flesh of others at last
No more dead heart silent no more breathless lungs
No more do I suffer for my time has begun
Beauty can be delicate.
Beauty can be fragile.
Beauty can be easily bruised and abused
Beauty can fade and be taken from you without your consent.
But resilience is undefeatable.
It is more than being strong. What is strong can still break under the right conditions.
But resilience rolls with the punches. You can get knocked down but resilience can stand again, given time.
Resilience provides the fire to face every new day fighting for every breath and every heartbeat.
Beauty is strong and not weak.
But resilience endures.
Will life always be like this?
Things will change.
I will change.
Sometimes it gets better.
Ofttimes it gets worse.
Sometimes things just are and you’ve got to take it for what it is.
Life is as much about navigating the quiet stretches as it is about surviving the rapids.
Both are part of life and both are vital and important aspects of building character and resilience.
Making mistakes and dealing with the consequences is another facet of the same dice as so called ‘normality’
I consume these seeds of evil
Against my inner voice.
Like a slow working poison,
Orally ingested yet spiritually manifested
I am overwhelmed.
A silent yet potent chemical reaction
Rendering me powerless
To express my passions
Or articulate my pains.
A biological anomaly
Targeted for termination
But inseparable from myself.
What distinguishes me?
Shall I take the antidote?
Risk the repercussions should I not
And bear that fearful label
Yet be free to define myself
As I want to express and be free to be me.
When you’re depressed you spend too much time in the past.
When you’re anxious you spend too much time in the future.
To be happy is a complex combination of walking the tightrope between both extremes, with no harness to keep you steady, nor no net to catch your fall.
To be happy is to dwell in the now of every moment and focus on what you have learned from your past and hope to learn in your future.
Remember that every second of the clock is your now. You have 86400 seconds every day. Make them count.