Where’s The Breaks on The Bi Polar Express vol 10

My mind breathes its rhythms

To an irregular tick tick tocking tempo

That redefines and refocuses

All I believe to be true and so do

***

What is conceived in non linear thought

Expresses itself in peculiar action and conversation

That is misinterpreted and judged dysfunctional

Despite clear evidence to the contrary

***

I am more than my malfunction

Which is but a temporary anomaly of perceptions

Rectified simply with the assimilation of concepts

Unfamiliar to you but true none the less

***

Unstitch your misconceptions

And let your thoughts be transformed by new data

I am not the source of enlightenment

But neither am I a source of the insanity you perceive

Set Me Free

I grow weary of your rigid controls

I tire of your perceived need to hold

I resent you opinion that I am still too sick

But in all honesty I just don’t give a shit

———-

But I’ll play your game for as long as I must

I’ll dance and I’ll sing on command so you trust

And believe when I say I can play like a pro

So well, so convincingly you won’t even know

———-

For as long as I must I shall be your dead puppet

With you hand up my arse like a fake fucking muppet

Oh no don’t you worry I’ll act out your show

With poise and with presence I’ll dazzle like bright snow

———-

But there will come a time when you must set me free

And that time is the moment chosen by me

I’ll play your fucked games and I’ll do what you say

Remember though that when its done I’ll have done it my way

———-

I will bide my time and i will watch and I’ll wait

I’ll look for those moments that you make a mistake

And when you’re back’s turned I shall do as I please

Making melody of fantasy I distract to appease

———-

So for the time being I shall dance this ballet

As I weave I shall dream of that soon coming day

That no more shall you have so much power over me

For you see I am not so lost as you believe me to be

———-

For two whole years I felt like one dead

Without an evocative pulse in my head

It felt like all colour was leached from my world

It seemed like my blossom was permanently furled

———-

But now I am alive again

Only to waken to this soul fucking pain

That you do not seem to know just who I am

And it saddens me greatly that maybe… You never can.

———-

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For I Am A Liar

I must confess that I detest liars

For the fires their lips alight and inspire

Yet secretly I lie with ease and with eloquence

When I have the need I can summon a pestilence

***

No I do not take pride in this vilest of actions

And I am so ashamed of the choices I’ve taken

I’m the worst sort of liar, the one that you trust

As I weave my slick words and make gold sparks of dust

***

Here I confess that I am a deceiver

Even as I profess that I am a believer

And daily I struggle to reconcile the two

But deep down inside I know I may never do

***

For I am a liar…

***

With honey soaked tones I lead you astray

With intent to deceive I weave truth my own way

So never forget I’m an artist with words

And by story telling half truths in my lies you immerse

**

So I manipulate the truth as I feel fit

And in the moment I create it I don’t care one bit

As long as the blame does not fall on me

As long as my deceptions work successfully

**

I am a liar of the worst sort of kind

I am the liar that gives sight to the blind

I am the liar who lies like its true

How would you know that I am not lying now to you?

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Free Indeed

If I could but have my hearts desire

If only I could blaze with fire

That did not consume, nor use nor abuse

But a fire that fuelled and renewed and infused

XXX

If I could burn as bright as sunlight

If only I did not desire the night

That I did not always need to feed

To devour such prey so that I could feel

XXX

If I am marked by some dark art

Then I must confess that unto it I hark

I know all too often my soul glows black

And all that I am is then focused through that

XXX

No I am not willing as my lips take to killing

As I begin slipping and to the darkness committing

Even as I consume and then spew out disease

And all the while smiling for its comes with such ease

XXX

But it is the Beast the dwells in my heart

The Beast whose desires I cannot depart

The Beast who must feed at all costs and expense

The Beast who rents apart all common sense

XXX

I see it, I feel it, I know it, I do

I loathe it, I despise it, I worship it too

Where do I end and my monster begin?

How can I tell when the Beast lurks within?

XXX

Tell me, please, how can I tell?

As the Beast whispers softly ‘I know you too well’

It tells me I need it, that I do love to feed it

It laughs at me when I say I will not heed it

XXX

‘You are mine for all time’ it promises as I weep

But I solemnly declare that I am not weak

No, nor my soul can this false Beast keep

For no more shall I listen as its treachery speaks

XXX

So let the Beast whisper it’s tricks and its lies

For my eyes have seen beneath its disguise

No more shall it take what is me and what is mine

For now I have realised that this is my time

XXX

And so sweet foul Beast you cannot have sway

**

I bind you, I banish you, I cast you out and away

**

My flesh and my soul are no place for you to stay

**

At times I have gloried and revelled in your games

**

But now is the hour of my power as yours begins to wane

XXX

For with a clear mind I now see you are weak

I see now that it is my meat that you eat

But now I deny you every sliver of my soul

For I have come to see that without you I am whole

XXX

That maybe I am the stronger one here

That maybe I do have nothing to fear

That maybe the power you used was really mine

That maybe you are the weak thing in the darkness dying

XXX

And so I declare that I am free of you at last

And the spell you did cast on me I have surpassed

For with my will I will know now what is best for me

And what I chose with my will is to be free

XXX

XXXXX

Therefore I declare that I am FREE INDEED

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101 Lyned Epiphenies and Confussions #32

To be.

To think.

To live.

To breathe.

Let these be our choices in the lonesome tolls of the night watches.

Let the belief in the possibility of a better tomorrow see us meet the dawn light armed with resolution and perseverance, and the knowledge that for as long as you chose to, you can be free to think for yourself.

In that freedom, find yourself. The self that exists as the sum of your individual parts; personalities; preferences; expectations; reactions; desires; hopes; dreams; etc;  all of which comprises the being that is you yourself.

And in finding your complete self hear the sweet whispers of your soul as it sings its melody.

Listen closely.

Listen carefully.

Listen intently and what you will hear will help you see and convince you to believe.

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Zombie

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I am a zombie without a heartbeat

I need to feed upon live human meat

I cannot control it, no nor can I stop

Even if i wanted to I simply cannot

**

You cannot believe how it feels to be dead

To know your heart’s silent, that your lungs have no breath

I try to describe how I wish I could die

Because nothing can touch me right deep down inside

**

I know that I have an imitation of life

I can laugh and I joke whilst inside my soul cries

No do not engage me in conversation please don’t

I have no words to give you, I try but they won’t

**

I know you see truely how deeply I’ve sunk

If only you could make me feel and lift me from this funk

But I believe that one day soon my star will rise again

And in that day you shall hear me say that I have lost my pain

**

I was a zombie but my heart now beats

And so flows the blood through my veins and my meat

I may be a zombie but I’m still alive

I may be a zombie but I’ll fight to survive

**

If this has been my test then I believe I have passed

No more do i crave the flesh of others at last

No more dead heart silent no more breathless lungs

No more do I suffer for my time has begun

101 Lyned Epiphenies and Confussions #31

Beauty can be delicate.

Beauty can be fragile.

Beauty can be easily bruised and abused

Beauty can fade and be taken from you without your consent.

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But resilience is undefeatable.

It is more than being strong. What is strong can still break under the right conditions.

But resilience rolls with the punches. You can get knocked down but resilience can stand again, given time.

Resilience provides the fire to face every new day fighting for every breath and every heartbeat.

Beauty is strong and not weak.

But resilience endures.

101 Lyned Epiphenies and Confussions #30

Will life always be like this?

NO.

Things will change.

I will change.

Sometimes it gets better.

Ofttimes it gets worse.

Sometimes things just are and you’ve got to take it for what it is.

Life is as much about navigating the quiet stretches as it is about surviving the rapids.

Both are part of life and both are vital and important aspects of building character and resilience.

Making mistakes and dealing with the consequences is another facet of the same dice as so called ‘normality’

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Where’s The Breaks on The Bi Polar Express vol 9

I consume these seeds of evil

Against my inner voice.

Like a slow working poison,

Orally ingested yet spiritually manifested

I am overwhelmed.

A silent yet potent chemical reaction

Rendering me powerless

To express my passions

Or articulate my pains.

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A biological anomaly

Categorised undesirable

Targeted for termination

But inseparable from myself.

What distinguishes me?

Shall I take the antidote?

Risk the repercussions should I not

And bear that fearful label

“Social obscenity”

Yet be free to define myself

As I want to express and be free to be me.

101 Lyned Epiphenies and Confussions #29

When you’re depressed you spend too much time in the past.

When you’re anxious you spend too much time in the future.

To be happy is a complex combination of walking the tightrope between both extremes,  with no harness to keep you steady, nor no net to catch your fall.

To be happy is to dwell in the now of every moment and focus on what you have learned from your past and hope to learn in your future.

Remember that every second of the clock is your now. You have 86400 seconds every day. Make them count.

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